Too Much Is Never Enough
by miilky
Summary: What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? Unbearable decisions have made up their lives, but this one threatened to break their hearts. A response to 686. Spoilers.


**A/N:** For the past ten years I stuck with Bleach, and I believed I was going to be rewarded for sticking around for so long. Sometimes, the world doesn't give you what you deserve, and sometimes, you have to accept it and move on. Or in my case write and read Bleach fanfix to your heart's content.

The title comes straight from Florence + The Machine's, "Too Much Is Never Enough."

Here is my perspective after reading Bleach 686. I was inspired to write this after reading acacciadistelle's theory titled "Theories to Help Me Cope," and really, it is a theory I can get behind because it's something Ichigo would do if it meant protecting everyone.

* * *

" _The rain drags black sun down, but the rain dried by white moon."  
_ _ **Tite Kubo**_

Life is about choices.

Masaki Kurosaki made a choice nearly two decades ago to save the life of her child. Her eldest boy did not fully understand his abilities, and raced down to save a girl who was not a girl. He was to be killed by a renegade hollow. She did not think twice when she ran after him. She did not think twice when she raised her hands in battle.

Her second thought arose when she realized she had been stripped of her powers, and acted in defense, using her body as a shield knowing it would be her death. She had no regrets for her decision, and in death could not say she felt any shame over what she had done except for the fact she had to leave her precious family behind.

Ichigo Kurosaki made a choice nearly twelve years ago to save the life of a shinigami. He was the eldest child, and was defenseless to protect his family as a hollow rocked their home. His options were limited, and there she was, the defender now wounded and unable to perform. They were going to die, and there was the option she offered him. She could do this for him if nothing else, and there was no guarantee it would work. The slight chance that it would was what pushed her.

When she handed him her sword, he grasped it and said, "Lets go."

He made a choice, and he didn't look back. He had no regrets in his decision for reason he couldn't explain at the time and moment. He quickly discovered why there was no shame in what he had done, no anger in what he decided to become. The power he wielded, his and hers, was the power he could use to defend others. He could avenge others, and there was beauty in this power, an overwhelming and unstoppable beauty he never tried to conceal.

What she had done was technically high treason. It was unlawful in the eyes of Soul Society, and she knew punishment awaited them both whenever they were discovered. So she decided-she, the shinigami, Rukia Kuchiki, decide to run. In her running she believed she was saving him, and she had no regrets in saving him, in saving his family. It was what she wanted, and it was what he wanted. He could live for a little while longer; defend for a little while longer.

It was not all entirely true. Her regrets were many, and while saving him was certainly not one of them, staring into his pain stricken eyes as she was taken away, seeing the fire burning in them despite her plea for them to stop, she somehow knew. He would not rest until he saved her. It was a dangerous promise to make.

Ichigo made another choice. He was going to save Rukia, and he was going to do everything in his power to save her. She had saved him, and his family. She had given him more than he could ever put in words, or he would ever be willing to put into words. He trained, learned, and he went into that world that had deemed her worthy of death when it was life she deserved and so much more. He met her brother and Renji, two important figures in her life who had yet to learn what it meant to give their all for her. He taught them. He taught them all the lengths he was willing to reach for her.

Rukia made a choice as well when all was said and done. In the meadow they stood together, so close and so far, and she stared him in the eye to say, _"I choose to stay."_ There was never a question as to whether she would stay or depart again to his world, but she felt it was something she needed to hear. He needed to hear it from her lips. It was the best thing she could do, and still, the way his hand twitched before traveling up to the back of his head made her want to weep, if only for the briefest of moments.

He kept his silence. One choice after the other; he swallowed her choice. He should have known better, but had hoped, no expected, she would want to come home. But this was her home an inner voice chided him. He made the decision to turn his back to her, leaving her with a smile on his face, and the words he should have said, words that would have changed everything or maybe nothing at all. Had she known he knew it wouldn't have altered her decision, and saying them aloud would only fuel a fire in him he didn't want to believe existed at the time.

Choices and their actions came and went. He made more. So did she. It accumulated in a decision he never imagined he would have to make, but had made in defense of the living world and Soul Society. He would have power, ultimate power, and he would sacrifice that power so the colliding worlds would survive.

Aizen said there was no choice. He masterfully concocted their meeting from the beginning. It was he who had set their fateful encounter into action, and every single step taken after was his planning. He tried to steal the control they held, and it was not his place. It was never his place. Ichigo admitted he might have set the pendulum into motion, but he was not in charge of the bonds that were forged. He could never take that from them, and Ichigo wasn't going to let him.

He sacrificed his powers to gain the power to defeat Aizen, to save the world, to save her. He didn't regret it, not yet.

The world needed to be saved. This was understood, and the sacrifice needed to be made. He made it readily, and standing outside under a summer sun they said goodbye again.

This time she was the one dressed in black and white, sword at her side, and she was the one whose eyes were dripped in sorrow, rising up to meet his one last time. He stared down at her with a small smile pressing on his lips, fighting off the hollowness growing in his core, and he took her attempts to make him feel better in stride. This was his choice, he reminded himself. This was his sacrifice, and he didn't want anyone to feel his sadness, the rain starting to pour down in his inner world. He'd try not to drown. He could stay afloat.

Seventeen months and Rukia made a decision no one would know about, and if anyone did, they wisely decided not to talk about it.

She was an adult, a warrior, and handled loss with a stiff chin and straight shoulders. Losing him was more than she could endure, and so, when she was able to (even without authorization), she ventured down to that familiar town. To that suburban, simple town with unusual hollow activity, and she watched him from afar. Did he make it home safely? Was he spending time with friends? Maintain a respectable distance was necessary. Getting too close, staying too long weren't options. Uryuu was in close proximity, having taken the mantle of the town's protector, and was doing an uncomfortably great job at it.

Blame couldn't be placed on his shoulders. He had done his part to help too, but there was a bittersweet sensation to it all. It should have been him doing his duty. She imagined something differently from what she saw, and couldn't reconcile herself with reality's cruel twist of fate. Her teeth dug into her bottom lip whenever she watched him go about on his daily business. Listless, anxious, and drained of the passionate storm she had come to know, even relish in in her own way, he was almost a shell of his former self.

If it were in her power, she would do anything to change it.

Ichigo was desperate, and made many erroneous decisions. Each failure was a stepping-stone towards the path he needed to be on. Of course he did what he did for the powers, for the ability to protect, and he told himself this as he was driven to the edge of madness again. He didn't say he enjoyed this edge, and he wouldn't say the deeper reason why he aimed for this goal. He would have power, he would protect, and he would be able to see again. This was the part he didn't admit to anyone, not even himself. He wanted to see.

If it were in his power, he would do anything to change it.

A sword pierced through his core and gave him what he never believed he could attain. Another sword, no, the same sword did it a second time, and there she was, standing behind him with that sly smile on her face and relieved eyes. She was mocking him, and he was filled with elation.

Again, they were forced to make more decisions, and he had learned things about himself, his lineage. He was not an ordinary human. He was the son of a former captain and quincy, and his mother had sacrificed everything for him just as his father sacrificed everything for her. Their eyes engaged in a silent conversation where they both knew what the other needed to say, and Isshin clapped his son on the shoulder warmly, "I see, she changed the world for you too, am I right?"

With every choice there was some remorse, some anger, but never regret. Ichigo did not believe he could ever fully regret the choices he made, except for his own inability to protect his mother, and he did not anticipate there would be a choice he could ever fully regret making. There were so many possibilities out there in the world, and when he looked at Rukia, he saw those endless possibilities. He saw the ray of light passing through the darkness reaching towards him and pulling him into its arms. He felt safe. He felt protected, and promised he would defend them in turn.

" _At your happiest I will return,"_ Yhwach's mirthless grin threatened to drown him as he stood. Ichigo's fingers twitched uncomfortably around the hilt of his blade, and he breathed deeply, glaring blisters into the man's skull.

This was the moment. It was the trial he had never asked for; the trial he didn't deserve. After all the sacrifices, after all the choices, this was a choice he couldn't make, and staring at Yhwach's dissipating figure, becoming one with the darkness, he knew he knew it too. The last thing Ichigo saw was Yhwach's blinding white, square teeth, and their gleam flashed with evil brilliance, knowing he had given him no choice. His teeth started to grind, and water burned at his eyes. He wanted to damn this world and all the others, but trapped in the void, he knew he could never do it.

This choice would be his last.

"You know you could've told someone where you went," she found him on the roof and crossed her arms against her chest, annoyed scowl pressed softly on her lips.

He stared out in the distance with his arms resting on the edge. She arrived at his side as expected and stood similarily, releasing one tired sigh after another, "You know…I never imagined this."

"What?" He scoffed, "Being Captain?" Which was ridiculous because he had always envisioned her being a captain. It was only a matter of time and her brother demonstrating some self-control.

She smacked his arm, "No, you idiot, this-peace. It's all so quiet and strange. It's good, the quietness, but it's still strange. As if I never really imagined what peace time could look like."

"We sacrificed enough for it, every insane mastermind that came our way we trained, planned, fought-we won, and this is what we get. This is our reward."

He didn't mean to sound bitter. He wasn't bitter. He was given more than anyone could expect from a story like his, and yet, the bitterness ran deep in his casual tone. Rukia didn't pull back as they spilled. She stood quietly, staring at his face, reading the lines starting to grow around his mouth and eyes, and she listened.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do I look like I want to talk about it?"

"But you will." This wasn't a question, and the way she looked at him. This was the look he had dreamt of for the past ten years, pointed and unrelenting, "Lets go."

"I wanted to be there, you know." Her shoulder stiffened, but other than that there was no visible response, "I wanted to see you, great accomplishment becoming a captain, and I get if you're pissed about it-,"

"I am pissed about it." Her gaze softened, and she lowered her head, "But I-I understand, I do." The unsaid part of her sentence hung stiffly between them, and his frown soured. An unsteady silence endured, and they stood together, inches apart. He could tell her anything in this moment. Having her this close after a decade of nothingness, which wasn't exactly true, made his stomach bundle uncomfortably.

Ichigo had made a choice. He loved his wife, and he adored their child. His life was good, as close to perfect as anyone could get, and there shouldn't be any reason for complaint, for self-evaluation. He didn't regret his son, or the future he could claim without the strife his parents were burdened with.

There she was standing next to them, so close that their skin brushed faintly against each other, and she sighed, "The clan needed an heir. It's funny how things work. After my sister died, they left the topic alone for my brother, but when he announced I would be his heir-hmm…I suppose I always suspected it would happen like that."

He flinched, "So you-,"

"He's someone I trust. Someone I trust with my life," she affirmed, and she searched his eyes for his confession buried deeply in amber. She knew it existed somewhere. She knew he was hiding it from her, from Orihime, even himself, and she was determined to find it, sensing this chance could be her last.

She would never pry in a way that would ruin what they had. Her respect for him and his secrets were prized, and despite sensing their end was drawing to a near, she suspected he would eventually tell her. He couldn't keep it from her forever.

A raindrop fell in between them. Ichigo glared at the single drop, raising his head to stare at the still sunny skies, "They're probably looking for us. I should go find Ichika, are you coming Ichigo?"

There she was slipping away from him again. She had chosen to stay. He had chosen to sacrifice his sight. Again and again, he had given more of himself than he ever thought he would have to, and it was never enough. This would never be enough no matter how much he wanted it to be, desperately needed it to be for his family's sake. His wife loved him more than she should, and his son idolized him.

But he didn't get to choose. It wasn't his choice, and by the way she looked at him, a single chance encounter, he knew this wasn't her choice either.

"Ichigo, it's going to start raining soon," she repeated with a stronger hint in her voice. Her familiar frown had settled itself on her face, and she tapped her foot impatiently, "Do you want to get soaked?"

"Alright, alright," scratching the back of his head he followed her down, and he opened the door, letting her go down first. He couldn't, wouldn't explain what happened next, but all he could think was that he needed to give her something, anything.

He couldn't give her a lifetime. He had sacrificed the possibilities in their lifetime, "You stopped the rain in me, Rukia. This is what you've given me. This is what I'll always cherish."

Her lips parted, and her body froze. He hadn't touched her, clenching his hand around the door handle, and she waited in the door's opening as if something would happen. Anything at all. If the pendulum could be turned backwards, if time could be rewired to work in their favor, if fate could have been kinder, but their reality was solid and unchangeable. His choice was final.

"Thank you for telling me," she whispered, dark eyelashes lowered, and her cheeks burned red while water filled the rims of her eyes, "thank you, Ichigo."

Suddenly, it vanished. Her scarlet cheeks and glassy eyes watered down into normalcy. She raised her head at him, face made of steel and snow, "I suppose we must be secretly in love with each other now won't we?"

Her bluntness startled him, and the sharp flinch in his shoulders showed, "That's the plan isn't it?"

"You know it always is."

He didn't tell her. He couldn't tell her. Telling her meant he regretted it, and he had gotten so much from it. His son, his heart repeated. The child he loved like no other. The love his mother had for him, the self-sacrificing love he would never be ashamed of and would flow richly within his soul. But as he watched the outline of her back as they descended the stairs, a morose sensation floated numbly on his shoulders. His awareness detailed its significance.

No matter his future, no matter his son (whom he loved more than anything in this world), the _what if_ had lodged itself permanently in his brain. What if called to him during night's darkest hours, summer's sunniest days, and whenever the rain poured, it howled its disappointment in him, pushing him to the deepest corners of the clinic where he was deaf and blind to its constant pitter patter.

Giving himself to Orihime wasn't impossible. She was loving, beautiful, and gracious. Any other man would easily fall in love with her. Yet, the strain to accomplish this was too much for his heart to take. Her love was self-sustaining and gorgeous but impossible in the same nature she possessed. Buried under placating smiles and gazes his shame lied dormant. She deserved more than what fate had given her, and there was nothing to be done to reshape its design.

Kindness was sometimes a currency fate employed, and for this fleeting moment of time, Rukia was at his side once more. Their nature resumed as if ten years hadn't passed between them like that single raindrop.

With this choice, Ichigo Kurosaki found happiness.

Several feet below in a corner somewhere in an abandoned alley Kazui Kurosaki made contact with a strange, black orb, and the small child failed to suspect the consequences fated to follow his poor choice.

Their reward for a lifetime of grieving abstinence.

* * *

 **A/N:** I read the spoilers a day ahead, and was in denial for that time period. I did not get a good night's rest for it, and I was thoroughly disappointed with what I was given. This is my way of coping.

Yhwach said he would return when Ichigo was at his happiest right? Yhwach returned the last chapter, and who came to visit after ten years? It wasn't the day he got married, not the day his son was born, but this particular day. This was his happiest day.

Tite Kubo did a great injustice to fans, story, characters, and himself. I will thank him for introducing us to his world, but I wish he'd done better by it. I do hope you enjoyed this story, and my personal view on why things ended the way they did.


End file.
